Monday, March 29 - This is also what I am here for

A lot happened 'on the inside' in the past week and I haven't written earlier because I was in the 'thick' of it and realize now that I needed resolution and clarity before writing about it.

Last week, I was suffering more and more from tension in my body and regular stretching didn't really help. I was also increasingly aware that I was feeling isolated and was missing my friends and meaningful connection. Then, my friend Sonora called me and I was able to share my experience here, which, at the time, included frustration for the lack of organization re. the work we were doing when some things appeared so obvious to me. For ex. we don't plant vegetables for an entire afternoon and then, at 5pm, decide to build a fence, which is exhausting work!

As I was expressing my feelings to my friends, I realized that the physical tension was releasing... Ah Ah!!! So, that was it! After sleeping on it, I understood that I was trying to make myself fit into a perfect mold: I was trying to work as much as possible while being nice and agreeable all the time, and avoiding to voice my opinion as I didn't know what I was talking about anyway. No wonder my body was feeling squished!

In the following days, I started finding my voice by suggesting new options, sharing information about myself, letting myself be quiet, tired, down or whatever I was, etc. This experiment culminated yesterday in a great connection with Robin. We were driving to Lawrence, 30 min. away and she was depressed because the tenant she was hoping would move in to the house soon was no so sure anymore. As I understood where she was, I took the liberty to nudge her by telling her that this was a great test of her trust in the universe to provide, and that she had the right to expect to find the perfect tenant for her Center rather than settle down for the first person for fear of financial trouble. I also mentioned to her that I had the feeling that my presence at the Center was also to remind her that she can expect to receive nice things instead of being content with crappy stuff as my role is to clear up the space to bring up the existing resources.

I was very grateful that she was willing to hear what I told her and share more about herself and previous experiences which led her to her current thinking. And I was happy to feel that I was not attached to what she would do with her understanding.

In conclusion, it was a great lesson to learn and practice!