Wednesday, March 31 - Hitting a wall

Did I write yesterday that I have an endless amount of strength? Who was I kidding??? Myself, apparently!!!

My back was really not happy today but good old Bea kept pushing herself and picked up stones to make a pathway between the plantation beds and then worked on making the edges of the pathway while getting sunburnt and ignoring her stuffy nose.

You can see it coming: Something had to give. By 5pm, I was in real pain and had to stop working. Tried stretching but it didn't help much. Then, later on, I decided to listen to what my back was telling me and here is what I heard.

[In a deep, masculine voice:] 'Berengere, you are so used to pushing through that this behavior has become your primary way to function and to get things done. You don't know any other way to act. You ignore your own boundaries, your own needs, even your own body because you always have a good reason to keep going. A deadline, a sense of completion, time running out... Only when you're in serious pain do you stop but just long enough to recover and then you resume the same pattern.'

'Is there another way you can function? Take breaks more often, do a little at a time instead of trying to complete one project in one go (that wood room you've talked about, for ex....), and maybe see what comes up if you consider giving up your 'Can-do-it-all/Only-I-can-do-it' automatic response? Anxiety about your self-worth? I bet! About your ability to truly let yourself rest? Even wondering what it means to truly rest? Makes sense.'

[My back continues:] 'Now that Robin said the magic phrase "Let's take the day off tomorrow!", I can hear you wondering if you can still take a shot at reorganizing that wood room for a couple hours. Is that cheating? YES, IT IS!!! [Now my back gets angry] I will not let you push yourself further and just repeat the same pattern over and over!! You need to try something new otherwise I will have to send an even stronger message to make you stop. REALLY take the day off and rest! I need it and so do you!'

Berengere [in an intimated voice:] 'Okay, I will.'

Will Berengere really be able to do nothing but take care of herself tomorrow? You'll find out in our next episode of 'Berengere au naturel'!

Tuesday, March 30 - A hard day's work

I have a cold and am amazed how much work I am still able to get done.

Yesterday afternoon, after returning from grocery shopping and errand running, I shoveled about 10 wheeelbarrels worth of rocks from a pond to cover the holes in the driveway. It was hard work and my lower back is still complaining about it.

At some point, I saw on my shovel a big flat stone... which started to move! It was a snapping turtle!!! I just didn't expect to find wild life in the pond and apologized for disturbing it.

Tomorrow, realtors are coming to appraise the property and my priority today was to tidy up the place. And that's a nice way to put it! I moved to the end of the Center a heavy metal fence roll, and piled up huge uncut logs, cleaned up 'the mud room' where the dog stays (another room from hell).

And I LOVED it!!! I feel that I have an unlimited amount of strength for this kind of work and realized today that I needed to see results. I have been here three weeks and didn't really see a tangible difference from the work I had been doing. These past two days were satisfying for that reason.

I have several milestones to complete. The largest one being to organize the content of the 'wood house': A building so full with wood that it's practically impossible to step into the place. It's an ambitious project and I might not get to it or complete it, knowing that I'm here for only another week. Robin signed both of us up to volunteer at a local event next week. We'll be leaving Wednesday afternoon and returning Thursday night. And I am leaving for San Francisco early Friday morning.

My mind is gearing up to spending a weekend in San Francisco with my friends Xuan and Jennifer before going to the next organic farm. On the agenda: R&R, baby!!!

Good night for now!

Monday, March 29 - This is also what I am here for

A lot happened 'on the inside' in the past week and I haven't written earlier because I was in the 'thick' of it and realize now that I needed resolution and clarity before writing about it.

Last week, I was suffering more and more from tension in my body and regular stretching didn't really help. I was also increasingly aware that I was feeling isolated and was missing my friends and meaningful connection. Then, my friend Sonora called me and I was able to share my experience here, which, at the time, included frustration for the lack of organization re. the work we were doing when some things appeared so obvious to me. For ex. we don't plant vegetables for an entire afternoon and then, at 5pm, decide to build a fence, which is exhausting work!

As I was expressing my feelings to my friends, I realized that the physical tension was releasing... Ah Ah!!! So, that was it! After sleeping on it, I understood that I was trying to make myself fit into a perfect mold: I was trying to work as much as possible while being nice and agreeable all the time, and avoiding to voice my opinion as I didn't know what I was talking about anyway. No wonder my body was feeling squished!

In the following days, I started finding my voice by suggesting new options, sharing information about myself, letting myself be quiet, tired, down or whatever I was, etc. This experiment culminated yesterday in a great connection with Robin. We were driving to Lawrence, 30 min. away and she was depressed because the tenant she was hoping would move in to the house soon was no so sure anymore. As I understood where she was, I took the liberty to nudge her by telling her that this was a great test of her trust in the universe to provide, and that she had the right to expect to find the perfect tenant for her Center rather than settle down for the first person for fear of financial trouble. I also mentioned to her that I had the feeling that my presence at the Center was also to remind her that she can expect to receive nice things instead of being content with crappy stuff as my role is to clear up the space to bring up the existing resources.

I was very grateful that she was willing to hear what I told her and share more about herself and previous experiences which led her to her current thinking. And I was happy to feel that I was not attached to what she would do with her understanding.

In conclusion, it was a great lesson to learn and practice!

Monday, March 22 - It's finally Monday!

Today, I started on my project to sort out what's in the big barn next to the house. I picked an area that apparently had been inhabited by spiders, dust, and darkness for years. Not a pretty sight! To make that cleaning story short, a few hours later, I just couldn't recognize the room. I wish I had taken a before and after photo! ;o)

There was no heavy lifting or digging involved but I am exhausted nonetheless. As a reward, I made myself a breakfast dinner (love those!) and watched an episode of Scrubs with my spotty wireless connection. Small rewards but oh, so satisfying!

Sunday, March 21 - The Meltdown

This weekend's snow is melting fast and the driveway has turned into a stream.

It's been somewhat challenging to stay indoors with no phone connection and no one around and I am starting to miss being able to call up my friends and meet for coffee. The closest town is within a 15-min. drive and I'm not sure it has a coffee shop.

Sunday night

A young couple dropped by for dinner with their two-year old. Everyone I have met here so far has been very friendly, open and a pleasure to get to know. They were no exception and the fact that they were so passionate about farming in a new way that is respectful of how nature works is very impressive. I wish I had been that committed and driven when I was 24! Well, hopefully, it's never too late!

Saturday, March 20 - Snow Day!!!

The storm started with rain last night and I woke up this morning with snow covering the whole area. It's beautiful!!

Since the snow and the wind prevented Robin and I to do anything outside, we took advantage of the day to do our own things. I did yoga, cleaned up the house, and cooked for the equinox celebration tonight while the cats clustered near the woodstove.

It was not necessarily easy to have a whole free day to spend inside. It was very tempting to lose myself into Internet and I had to pull myself away to remain active in order to stay warm and feel good. I am realizing more and more that action is what I need to feel balanced and satisfied. Anything I can do outside is great for that purpose.

Tonight, Robin led the equinox celebration and it was very helpful to have a clearer sense of my purpose here at the Light Center. I can see myself cleaning up and clearing up the space to take stock of the available resources, discarding the old and bring out the new and useful tools so that Robin and the helpers coming next will be more efficient.

Interestingly, that purpose mirrors my inner exploration: It's all about clearing out the past that's weighing me down and letting the new out to be seen and used, both by me and others.

So, hopefully, decluttering that barn will bring me closer to my life purpose!

Good night!

Friday, March 19 - A deeply satisfying day

This was one of those 'aaahhh' days. The weather was gorgeous this morning and while Robin was gone, I weeded a patch, planted some broccoli, fed the cats, and just enjoyed the sun in the garden.

Robin came back with another truckload of manure which I

emptied with the help of a young Kansan who's planning to work on the farm too.

Then, we hopped in the truck to get some hay from a nearby farmer. After today's 60 degree-weather, we're expecting a snow storm tonight or tomorrow! It is very windy now, and I'm not sure what's coming... As a result, we wanted to make sure to get the hay before the bad weather.

The farmer and her two daughters were really friendly (that seems to be a Kansas trait...) and showed us two calves that the girls are raising as milk cows. They were so sweet and incredibly soft! I loved that...

We loaded the hay 'old style', i.e., from the barn's upper floor directly into the back of the truck. The smell reminded me of when my sister and I used to look for eggs in the huge stack of hay at our neighbors... Another wonderful madeleine...

Rode back home and unloaded the hay into the barn and called it a day. Mission accomplished for the day!

Thursday, March 18 - Joys and Pains

Today was the best and the worst day.

Robin and I unloaded a whole truck of manure. Smelling it reminded me of my childhood when we lived next to a farm, and I just loved it! Manure is my personal 'Proust's madeleine'!

The weather was warm for the first time in weeks, and we managed to create a large bed for new seeds and set up a fence around it.

All this shoveling, planting, lifting absolutely killed my back and a few other muscles. Fortunately, Robin showed me a few stretching exercises and after I did a few on my own, I felt like myself again. I am used to doing yoga and it feels good but it's the first time I am realizing that it's simply a life saver for working on a farm. I promised myself to keep stretching every day. Someone should invent yoga for farmers!!!

Wednesday, March 17 - Venturing outside

The alarm is set for 5 am as Robin and I are going to town today! Well, our destination is near Colombia, Missouri to attend a grant writing workshop for Robin’s project that involve grandmothers teaching canning, preserving, and pickling products to be sold on farmers’ markets.

It was pitch dark when we left and when we reached the first town blocks I realized that I hadn’t seen that many lights in over a week!

We arrived on site after a 3-hour drive and I took the opportunity to answer my emails, update my blog, etc. This afternoon, I will slip away to visit Rocheport, Missouri, a quaint and historic town on the shores of the Missouri River. Freedom!!!

Tuesday, March 16 - Me against the Machine

Today, I asked Robin to show me how to use a chainsaw. I think that because of my tendency to be a squirrel, I love cutting and storing wood. I wanted to find out if my fears of the saw going out of control, of the chain coming off while on were founded. Fortunately, Robin’s chainsaw is a fairly small one. When I eventually had my hands on it and began to cut logs, I was fully aware that it was a dangerous tool and realized that only a full-body mesh armor would make me feel safer. The painful back pain I quickly developed from handling that beast convinced me to go back to a manual saw and leave the big logs to strong and experienced Kansans, i.e., guys.

Friday, March 12 - Crepes in Kansas

Besides being a farmer, Robin is an energy healer and has invited her long-time teacher and friend, Helen, to conduct a workshop on inner guidance this weekend. Ken, one of the participants has arrived early and is staying for the weekend. The four of us had so much fun cooking together in the barn and flipping gluten-free crepes. Before long, I felt like I was among old friends and I decided to take the workshop as I have a sense that it might be helpful for me.

Thursday, March 11 - First encounter with wild life

That is, dead wild life.

I started tilling a future flower bed and noticed some hair in the dirt. I dug further, aware that I wasn't ready to find something nasty on my second day on the farm... The buried 'thing' seemed to be pretty large and I just left it alone until Robin came back from her errands in town. She dug out a deer pelt and told me that hunters usually skin and bone their kill on site, taking only the meat with them (and apparently the head?) and leave the rest in nature. Alie, the dog, must have found and brought his trophy home. My first time throwing a deer pelt in the trash!

Wednesday, March 10 - Discovering my new workplace

The garden needs a lot of TLC before anything can be planted. With the dog, Alie, foraging the nearby bushes, I choose a starting point and begin to weed. As Robin shows me the different areas of her domain, including the empty chicken coop and the green house, I learn that when gardening, it is sometimes better to not clean up places too well as dead leaves and hay protect growing flowers from unexpected frosts. Well, I'll have to learn not to make everything perfect.

After working for a couple hours, I retreat to the barn where the woodstove is warmly welcoming me back. I make tea and discover how satisfying it is to drink a hot tea after working hard outside. Tastes even better than my favorite $4.29 Starbucks Chai!

I live alone in the barn while Robin stays in the house next door. We take most of our meals separately but she eats gluten-free and is a great resource for gluten-free products and recipes. I realized quickly that I prefer to keep my cooking simple because it goes with the lifestyle here. That’s a significant shift knowing that I spent the last few months rediscovering the joy of cooking somewhat exotic and elaborate dishes. I am glad to see that I’m able to adapt to my new life pretty smoothly. That was one thing I was curious about: Would I find out that I was really set in my ways and would find it challenging to adapt to farming life? So far, I am finding that I enjoy walking around in the mud in my rain boots and big sweater, making fire in a woodstove, eating canned food (well, for now).

Day 1 - Dorothy, here I come!

After an event-free trip from Boston, I landed in Kansas City's small airport to find my suitcase ripped open on one side. Were there hungry alligators on the flight?! I was ready to plead my case forcefully with AirTran and after showing the damage to the lady behind the counter, she simply said: "I'll tell you what: Let's do a swap. Here is another suitcase. Just put your stuff in it and give me your suitcase." Just like that, I became the unexpected owner of a new Delsey piece of luggage. I like Kansas already!

I met Robin, the owner of the Light Center where I am going to spend a month, on the curb. We had a nice chat and quickly connected by talking about her farm, animals, life, Kansas, etc. After an hour drive, we stopped at the grocery store on the way home. That's when my vision of Kansas started to change: The Community Mercantile (The Merc for short) is an organic grocery store with prices close to regular Boston supermarkets! Another point for Kansas! And the people, customers or clerks, were really laid back and friendly. Starting to wonder why Dorothy wanted to leave!

We arrived at the Light Center after a nice chat in the car and I discovered my kingdom for the next month. A renovated barn with a large living area, an open kitchen, 2 bedrooms, and a wonderful playroom, I mean workshop space, upstairs. The current tenants, 3 cats, allowed me to occupy one bedroom after I fed them and used them to get over my own home cat sickness. So far, no scary 'What have I done?!' reaction... I still invited one of the cats to share my bed though and found out that, just like me, he drools in his sleep...